But My Anger is Justified



- An article by Dr. Scott Turansky is below.


May is Parent Appreciation Month!

We're going to have some fun next month. (Actually, let the fun start right now!!!) We'll have new articles, freebies and great surprises just to affirm and encourage you. Everyone likes free stuff right? 

Go to the end of this article and learn how to get Cultivating Responsibility (eBook that retails for $9.99) for FREE. Now that's a sale! Just leave a comment about this article and then go to our store for your eBook. 


Ed Miller will also be doing Facebook LIVE Videos every Wednesday and Friday at 2:00 EST starting Friday 4/27. The focus will be on Anger, but questions on any subject are welcome. We appreciate all that you do for your family. We hope to make it just a bit easier so that you and your children will thrive. 

Now, here's the article. 

Some people view their anger as justified because they're right and the other person is wrong. They believe that being right is the only ticket required to launch into an adult temper tantrum. But saying "He made me angry" implies that
Dr. Scott Turansky
external events require emotional intensity. The dad who links the trigger (what "made" him angry) and response (what he does with his anger) too closely ends up believing that others have made him the way he is.
 

When parents do this, they often blame their kids for problems and rarely take responsibility for their own emotions. In many cases, of course, the child is indeed wrong. It isn't helpful, though, to expect our children to bear the responsibility of our anger in addition to what they did wrong. The mom who says, "I wouldn't have to get angry if my kids would listen the first time," has fallen into the trap of blaming her children for her angry responses. 


The truth of the matter is that it doesn't take much intelligence to see something wrong, but it takes wisdom to know how to respond to it. There's a big difference between a
button that pops up on a turkey to announce that it's done and a cook who knows how to make a great dinner. Some people are like those little turkey buttons—.  Whenever something goes wrong they pop up with angry reactions and they try to justify intensity because they see a problem. 


It's not enough to be right in life; parents also need to be wise. Real wisdom knows how to respond in a way that brings change, not revenge. As parents, we don't just want to punish our kids for doing something wrong; we want to help them change their hearts. Anger may reveal what's wrong, but it's rarely a good solution to a problem. Once you identify an offense, it's best to consider how to motivate change. 

How do you keep your anger under control? Leave a comment below. 

Go to our web store now to get your free eBook, Cultivating Responsibility (Retails for $9.99) 



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22 comments:

  1. I'll start the comment thread here. When I feel myself starting to get annoyed or angry, (tightness in my neck and shoulders) I take some deep breaths and go for a fun, walk or maybe do some pushups. I exercise when I'm stressed or anxious as well. How do you slow the emotional build?

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  2. I'm becoming a huge fan of the National Center for Biblical Parenting.
    Everything I read from this organization helps me (as a parent with the seven kids).

    I resonated with this statement from above:

    "It's not enough to be right in life; parents also need to be wise. Real wisdom knows how to respond in a way that brings change, not revenge."

    I needed to hear that!

    Thanks Scott.

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    1. That's awesome Andy. It's so good to hear this. You picked out a good quote. I'm glad it was helpful.

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  3. I've learned so much from you Ed and from Scott and the team at the BiblicalParenting.org team. Just being aware that anger points to a problem (internal or external), but it is never the solution has been a big help for any parent. Thank you for your commitment to help families thrive!

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    1. That's great Madlin. Thanks for your encouraging words. Know your triggers and cues is so helpful. And yes, anger is never good for solving problems. I'm glad it was helpful.

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  4. I find there are lots of misconceptions about anger - this is really helpful.

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  5. It can be so hard to remember some times that I choose my own reaction to a situation, but isn't that exactly what I'm trying to teach my kids? That they can choose to get angry, walk away, find a solution, or hit their sibling? Just because it's a possible choice doesn't make it the right one!

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    1. Great insights Bernadette! Isn't it amazing how we can forget to apply lessons to ourselves. I know I often struggle with this. And yes, anger is never good for solving problems. We do make choices! I'm glad it was helpful.

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  6. This is so good! I used to think conflict was failure. Emotional intensity meant everything coming to a stand still. I never learned how to deal with conflict in a healthy way and always felt it was “bad”. That all compounded when the youngest of my four was born with the “extra scoop of emotions “ �� How thankful I am for her! She reacted with such emotional intensity and anger and I prayed for God to please send me help and grant me wisdom to know how to help us. The Lord used her to reach into my heart and show me my own inadequacies, fears and broken places. I’m so thankful for how the Lord has used NCBP’s teaching and tools to help us all, while depending upon the Holy Spirit, bring about heart changes, learn how to respond in a way that helps us move through emotions and conflict in a way that leads to understanding, resolution, restoration and change! Thanks for another great post, Ed! I love reading these! I continue to learn so much from you guys!

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    1. Thanks Candice. You are so kind. Everything you say is so true. We don't work on emotional health enough in our world today. It's all very important. The goal is change and not punishment or venting or whatever!! God bless you.

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  7. James 1:19: "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Reciting this verse can connect God's power to slow down emotion and calm down.

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    1. Thanks for sharing this. Being quick to listen is very key. It puts the emphasis on valuing the other person and takes it off of self. Great verse. Thanks for sharing this.

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    2. Thank you Ed. I just noticed that my name was not revealed when I posted the comments.

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  8. Wow I really need this book I have a 9 year old with an attitude of a 16 year old. I've read the book Parenting Is Heart Work, it was great but my child has a lot of heart issues and puts a block up when it comes to emotions. Her real Father hasn't really been in her life like a father need to be, it's on and off all the time. And now she has a step-dad that does everything for her but it's hard for her to accept him in his role on her life.
    Anyways the book looks amazing, she really needs some work on responsibility. She acts like it is our responsibility to do everything for her!
    Thank you for sharing this book I know it will be amazing!!

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    Replies
    1. It's our pleasure. You will love the book. It's going to give you some helpful info in working with your daughter. Let us know what you find most helpful. You might also want to watch this teaching session I gave back in December. https://www.youtube.com/edit?o=U&video_id=GOBvI5bWx7I

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  9. Join me today at 2:00 pm EST for Facebook LIVE. I'll be answering questions from parents. I'll definitely be talking about anger. Come on over to our NCBP Facebook Page. https://www.facebook.com/National-Center-for-Biblical-Parenting-116883041645/

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  10. I have a 9 year old old daughter who needs help with responsibility, but I also need help with my anger. It always seems to be easier to go straight to anger when i should stop and think about the reason for the anger.

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    1. I understand Jasmyn. Listen to my Facebook LIVE for some of my thoughts on dealing with anger. Let m e know if you need more help. Call for a free consultation any time. 609-771-8002. https://www.facebook.com/116883041645/videos/10155286108101646/

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  11. I often hide in the bathroom, where I have on the inside cabinet door verses like Prov.29:11 and quotes ie. "Respond, don't React". Simply reading them calms my mind and the flush of anger. My children's irresponsibility is a Huge trigger for me. I am trully helped and blessed by this ministry!

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    1. Thanks for sharing Jenny. The bathroom is your "Break Spot" where you can sort things out. That's great. Posting verses there is an excellent idea. It's also good that you know your trigger.

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  12. I'll be LIVE on Facebook on Wed. and Friday at 2:00 pm EST this week answering questions about parenting and family. Join me and spread the word! https://www.facebook.com/National-Center-for-Biblical-Parenting-116883041645/

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