Parent the Heart - Part 4

Use a Positive Conclusion

Ed Miller, Biblical Parenting Coach
This is the fourth article in the series on heart-based parenting. These articles are part of what we're calling "Heart Week." It's actually more than a week. We'll go from May 19-30, 2017. If you're just coming to this series, you may want to start with Part 1. This article does stand alone, so you can also continue on if you like. 

What's been most helpful for you so far during "Heart Week?" Leave us a comment below.

In Part 3, I talked about the importance of having a "Toolbag of Consequences." We want to be careful not to jump too quickly to using consequences. Nonetheless, when a child is just not complying with our instructions or is defiant, a consequence may be the means that God uses to change their heart. I'm going to share some thoughts now on how to end a time of correction where you used a consequence with your child. Our hope and prayer is that God used the time of correction to change the child's heart. Remember that our goal is heart change and not punishment. Let's look again at what God says about correction in the Scriptures.

Be patient when you are being corrected! This is how God treats his children, and if he doesn't correct you, then you don't really belong to him. Our earthly fathers correct us, and we still respect them. Isn't it even better to be given true life by letting our spiritual Father correct us? Our human fathers correct us for a short time, and they do it as they think best. But God corrects us for our own good, because he wants us to be holy, as he is. It is never fun to be corrected. In fact, at the time it is always painful. But if we learn to obey by being corrected, we will live right and be at peace. - Hebrews 12:7-11 (CEV)

You can use "The Positive Conclusion" after using any consequence as part of a correction routine. I'll use "The Break" as my example because it's especially designed for a child (or adult) to determine when their heart is changed and they're ready to debrief. This debriefing time is very important for giving a child confidence to move forward. When you debrief with a child during a "Positive Conclusion," you'll want to have them respond to 3 questions.
  1. What did you do wrong?
  2. Why was it wrong?
  3. What are you going to do differently next time?
If a child can answer these questions, they will demonstrate that they understand exactly what they did wrong and more importantly why it was wrong. The why question gets to the matter of the heart. If a child can communicate the reason they made a mistake or broke a rule, it's very likely that true repentance has taken place. Of course, some children learn to play the system and just say what they know we want to hear. They may also do this with a bad attitude. If this is the case, they may need take a break again and return when their heart is changed. A good attitude is a sign of a changed heart. 

Answering the 3rd question is a sign that the child has a plan moving forward. They may need some help here. A simple plan may be all we need from a young child. We may want to work more with a teenager on a plan for change. I made another video that I think you'll find helpful. We'll call this young man "John." I start out by losing my temper with John and having to apologize and give myself a break. John is familiar with this routine, so I ask him to lead me through the "Positive Conclusion." Notice that I struggle with the 3rd question. I need some more time to develop a good plan. 

Watch This Video Now!
"Taking a Break" is actually an adult skill. We pray and wrestle with God as we answer these 3 questions. God works in our heart and we repent. Then we develop a plan for how to deal with a similar challenge or sinful tendency differently next time. On the day I wrote this article, I had to take a break and come up with a plan for change.

There is a final step in "The Positive Conclusion." We release the child with a blessing such as "I believe in you. I know you'll act differently next time." We may need to also offer forgiveness to the child. In the video, I asked Joe to forgive me for treating him harshly. This positive conclusion actually strengthens the relationship between the parent and child. They have messed up, but they are growing and changing and we still believe in them. 

We'd like to offer you a couple of options for digging more deeply into this idea of "parenting the heart."  

The first thing you will want to do is get your hands on the Parenting Is Heart Work Training Manual. (PHWTM) It's a workbook that will guide you through introducing the Instruction Routine and other routines to train the heart of your child. It includes a 45-minute downloadable audio segment with each chapter. This is really a course in heart-based parenting.

You can pay $49.95 and get this resource for your family. You could also get this resource plus 16 other eBooks as part of the Character Building Bundle in the Build Your Bundle 2017 Sale. This package of resources retails for $312.65 and you can get it for just $49.95. If you picked up a Pre-Sale Coupon, that will bring the price down to $44.95 for all 17 resources. This bundle will only be available until the end of the day on Tuesday May 30, 2017. It will never be offered again. These are all eBooks, but the PHWTM works great in this form. Since it's a workbook, you just print out the pages and put it in a binder. Work through the chapters and listen to the audio segments as you go. This is really a great deal and be sure to check out other bundles as well. This is an investment in your family that will last all summer, all year and maybe beyond. 

Get Your Bundle Now!

The other thing we can do is provide you with more training on how to be an effective coach with your children. We have a new Online Parenting Support Group starting on June 19 and we'd love to work with you for 8 weeks this summer. This is the least expensive way to get Biblical Parenting Coaching. You'll get some great training via our Content Portal; support and input from Ed Miller and assignments to complete. You'll also get personalized input on the plan you're working on with your child. This is the best "coaching training" available to parents.  Click Here to learn more. You can also call our office at any time if you have questions. 609-771-8002. Use the following code, BPCEM, in the final stage of the checkout process. That will take $50.00 off the price making your final cost just $199.00


There is a very special event happening in November and I’d like to invite you to join me. The Second Annual Legacy Grandparenting Summit will be held at Lake Pointe Church in Rockwall, TX from November 2-4, 2017. We have a very special discount to offer you as a friend of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. It’s the same as the Summit Group Discount, but you can come as part of our “group.” When you register, just use the discount code NCBP17 and that will reduce the price to $144.00 if you register before May 30. 2017. You can still use the code after that, but you won’t get the early bird pricing. Register Now!

The LegacyGrandparenting Summit has quite an array of fabulous speakers and artists as part of the program. I was in Dallas last year for the first Summit and everything about it was top notch. Lean more now. The subtitle for this summit is “Intentional Grandparenting Matters.” You’ll be inspired and challenged to find your calling in ministering to the next generation.


Milan Tomic

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