Rewards can be helpful at times to encourage growth in character. If you have a daughter who continually interrupts, you may focus on the character quality of thoughtfulness. You may set up an alternative behavior so that whenever she feels like interrupting, instead of just talking, she puts her hand on your arm as a signal that she wants to talk. You might then put your hand on her hand indicating that you have "heard" her and that you will allow her to speak in just a moment. It's a great technique to teach thoughtfulness. What if the child is still having a hard time not interrupting? You may try a reward to raise the stakes for your daughter and get her over the initial hump to learn a new pattern.
Be sure though as you work with habits of behavior like this you're also talking about the heart. "I appreciate the way you're becoming more thoughtful." Or, "We're doing this to help you develop self control.”
Sometimes parents struggle because when they reward one child, they feel they need to reward all their children. Should you reward one child when you don't reward the other? This thought comes from the belief that fair means equal. Children often point out what they view to be inequity in a situation and call that unfair. But children are all unique. Each child has different strengths and weaknesses, and should be treated uniquely. Parents get into real trouble when they try to treat all their kids equally.
Teach your children that you don't even try to treat them the same. If a brother sees his sister receiving a reward, and he wants one too, then you might say, "Your sister is working on something in her life and the reward is for her progress and effort. If you want to work on a character quality in your life, let me know and I'll think of a reward for you too." Don't be motivated by the "It's not fair" complaint. That's just an indication that children don't understand what fairness really is.
Fairness treats all children according to their needs, which usually isn't equal. Each child needs to feel loved and cared for. Each child needs to work on particular issues. Focus on each of your children as individuals and reward them according to their needs.
This tip comes from the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
What character qualities are you working on in your family and how are you teaching them to your kids?
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
"Approximately Right" is Worth a Compliment
It's easy to focus on how far children need to go instead of how far they've come. One way to keep a positive focus in your discipline is to look for approximately right behavior and affirm it. Don't wait until things are absolutely right.
If you ask your child to clean up the toys but find that he's only put away two things and left six out, you might say, "Oh, I see you put the blocks away, that's great! and I like the way you lined up your trucks, now let me see you put the balls in the box where they belong."
You're encouraging steps in the right direction. One little boy was learning to dress himself and Mom had a rule that he needed to be dressed before coming to the breakfast table. When he came downstairs with his shirt on backwards and his shoes missing, she still praised him. He was trying. Pointing out his shortcomings would have been discouraging. He had tried and was feeling good. Mom wanted to encourage his efforts.
If your child is having as hard time finishing a homework assignment, you could be encouraging and point out how much she's done, rather then focusing on how much is left.
Paul affirmed approximately right behavior when he recognized that we’re all in process. He encouraged the Philippians with these words, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Paul was saying, "Be encouraged in the process because God is still working in you." We give a gift to our children as we affirm them in process, not just completion.
This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
What have you done to remain positive and encouraging with your child this week?
If you ask your child to clean up the toys but find that he's only put away two things and left six out, you might say, "Oh, I see you put the blocks away, that's great! and I like the way you lined up your trucks, now let me see you put the balls in the box where they belong."
You're encouraging steps in the right direction. One little boy was learning to dress himself and Mom had a rule that he needed to be dressed before coming to the breakfast table. When he came downstairs with his shirt on backwards and his shoes missing, she still praised him. He was trying. Pointing out his shortcomings would have been discouraging. He had tried and was feeling good. Mom wanted to encourage his efforts.
If your child is having as hard time finishing a homework assignment, you could be encouraging and point out how much she's done, rather then focusing on how much is left.
Paul affirmed approximately right behavior when he recognized that we’re all in process. He encouraged the Philippians with these words, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Paul was saying, "Be encouraged in the process because God is still working in you." We give a gift to our children as we affirm them in process, not just completion.
This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
What have you done to remain positive and encouraging with your child this week?
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Firmness Doesn't Require Harshness
Knowing how and when to discipline can be a challenge for any parent. We find understanding some basic principles can be helpful. One principle to remember is that firmness doesn’t require harshness. Firmness says there a line here that you cannot cross. Harshness pours emotional intensity into the situation to communicate that you mean business.
Unfortunately, many dads and moms use anger as a way to demonstrate firmness to train their children. But, anger and harshness get in the way of the learning process for kids. In an attempt to build relationship, some parents spend too much time dialoguing about instructions. They try to defend their words, persuade their children to do what they're told, or logically explain the value of obeying. When children remain unresponsive, then parents resort to anger. This is counterproductive.
Children must understand that privilege and responsibility go together. The young person who can't do the right thing when Mom isn't watching may lose the privilege of staying at home alone while Mom runs to the store. The child who can't do a job and report back but disappears, leaving the job undone, may lose the privilege of going to a friend's house or going to the mall alone. Firmness is important but it doesn’t require an angry response from the parent.
Children must understand that if they want to have privileges, they must be willing to abide by the family principles. As often as possible we want to tie those two things together. After all, Jesus said the same thing in a parable to his disciples when he said, "Because you have been trustworthy in a very small matter, take charge of ten cities" (Luke 19:17). It's a principle of life, both in the family and out.
This parenting tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids, by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
What are some ways you choose to parent with honor?
Unfortunately, many dads and moms use anger as a way to demonstrate firmness to train their children. But, anger and harshness get in the way of the learning process for kids. In an attempt to build relationship, some parents spend too much time dialoguing about instructions. They try to defend their words, persuade their children to do what they're told, or logically explain the value of obeying. When children remain unresponsive, then parents resort to anger. This is counterproductive.
Children must understand that privilege and responsibility go together. The young person who can't do the right thing when Mom isn't watching may lose the privilege of staying at home alone while Mom runs to the store. The child who can't do a job and report back but disappears, leaving the job undone, may lose the privilege of going to a friend's house or going to the mall alone. Firmness is important but it doesn’t require an angry response from the parent.
Children must understand that if they want to have privileges, they must be willing to abide by the family principles. As often as possible we want to tie those two things together. After all, Jesus said the same thing in a parable to his disciples when he said, "Because you have been trustworthy in a very small matter, take charge of ten cities" (Luke 19:17). It's a principle of life, both in the family and out.
This parenting tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids, by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
What are some ways you choose to parent with honor?
Monday, February 13, 2012
Servant For The Day
Children often compete with each other in order to be first or best. This tendency on the part of children comes from selfishness, a major roadblock to sibling harmony. The solution is to learn how to be a servant, but how do you convince a five-year-old or a twelve-year-old that being a servant is a valuable thing?
As parents we have to look for positive ways to frame the maturity issues that we know are best, but seem unreasonable to our children. In this case, you might try having a “Servant for the Day.” This child not only sets the table and takes out the trash but also gets some extra “Mommy time,” helps with dinner, and sits next to Dad during story time. Throughout the course of the day, Mom has an opportunity to talk about more subtle aspects of servanthood that involve how children talk, listen, and even think.
Take time to praise demonstrations of servanthood. One child may not get the first turn or the biggest piece, but he gets the praise of Mom for being the mature one. That's a far more valuable reward.
Teaching children to be servants will promote harmony in your family. Becoming a servant will help children deal with the continual desire to build themselves up while putting others down. Learning servanthood is a way to honor others in the family and it brings honor back as well.
This parenting tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids, by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. This honor teaching is also available on audio CDs and as MP3 downloads.To learn more about our honor curriculum click here.
Who demonstrated servanthood recently in your family? How can you point that out and encourage it today? Tell us about it.
As parents we have to look for positive ways to frame the maturity issues that we know are best, but seem unreasonable to our children. In this case, you might try having a “Servant for the Day.” This child not only sets the table and takes out the trash but also gets some extra “Mommy time,” helps with dinner, and sits next to Dad during story time. Throughout the course of the day, Mom has an opportunity to talk about more subtle aspects of servanthood that involve how children talk, listen, and even think.
Take time to praise demonstrations of servanthood. One child may not get the first turn or the biggest piece, but he gets the praise of Mom for being the mature one. That's a far more valuable reward.
Teaching children to be servants will promote harmony in your family. Becoming a servant will help children deal with the continual desire to build themselves up while putting others down. Learning servanthood is a way to honor others in the family and it brings honor back as well.
This parenting tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids, by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. This honor teaching is also available on audio CDs and as MP3 downloads.To learn more about our honor curriculum click here.
Who demonstrated servanthood recently in your family? How can you point that out and encourage it today? Tell us about it.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Envision a Positive Future
Take a few minutes and imagine what your children will be like as adults. Some parents have immediate thoughts of terror and doom, but instead, look at the good qualities your children have and imagine how those qualities will benefit them later in life. Then share those observations with your children.
Envisioning a positive future looks beyond the day-to-day discipline and says, "I see qualities in you that are going to make you successful." Statements like, "With that kind of thoughtfulness you're going to make a great husband." Or "Your thoroughness is going to make you a valuable employee someday." When parents learn to view their children this way, they look past the daily grind of parenting to what their children are becoming. What is my child good at? What do I see now that will bring success as my child grows?
We've probably all heard the statement that children believe what we say about them. If a parent tells a child he'll never amount to anything, he's likely to incorporate that into his belief about himself and it may end up becoming true. We can take that same principle and teach our children to see the good in themselves, the specific ways that God has blessed them.
Interestingly enough, giving our children a positive vision for the future encourages them to live up to it now. The qualities we focus on end up being the ones they see in themselves and develop.
Envisioning a positive future gives our children hope and direction. It says, "You're going to make it." "I believe in you." It's a way to honor our children. Like giving them a gift that will last a lifetime, a hopeful way of looking at themselves and their life.
After all God does this for us on a regular basis. Verses like Philippians 1:6 give us hope to live now to the fullest. "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
This parenting tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids, by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. This honor teaching is also available on audio CDs and as MP3 downloads. To learn more about our honor curriculum click here.
What gifts do you see demonstrated in your children?
Envisioning a positive future looks beyond the day-to-day discipline and says, "I see qualities in you that are going to make you successful." Statements like, "With that kind of thoughtfulness you're going to make a great husband." Or "Your thoroughness is going to make you a valuable employee someday." When parents learn to view their children this way, they look past the daily grind of parenting to what their children are becoming. What is my child good at? What do I see now that will bring success as my child grows?
We've probably all heard the statement that children believe what we say about them. If a parent tells a child he'll never amount to anything, he's likely to incorporate that into his belief about himself and it may end up becoming true. We can take that same principle and teach our children to see the good in themselves, the specific ways that God has blessed them.
Interestingly enough, giving our children a positive vision for the future encourages them to live up to it now. The qualities we focus on end up being the ones they see in themselves and develop.
Envisioning a positive future gives our children hope and direction. It says, "You're going to make it." "I believe in you." It's a way to honor our children. Like giving them a gift that will last a lifetime, a hopeful way of looking at themselves and their life.
After all God does this for us on a regular basis. Verses like Philippians 1:6 give us hope to live now to the fullest. "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
This parenting tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids, by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. This honor teaching is also available on audio CDs and as MP3 downloads. To learn more about our honor curriculum click here.
What gifts do you see demonstrated in your children?
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Develop Character Through Discipline
Many children grow up in homes where parents react with explosive anger. These children learn to make decisions based on avoiding the next angry outburst. Unfortunately they then may grow up to be people-pleasers.
Anger appears to work in the short run. It gets kids moving or motivates them to stop and listen. But in the end, it damages a child's decision-making ability.
Instead of becoming people-pleasers, children need to learn how to make decisions based on values and convictions. How do children learn to do that? It comes when parents discipline with firmness and love. But many parents are unsure what that means in practical terms.
What parents need is a plan. Developing consequences that touch a child's heart is a challenge but the extra time invested pays off. Parenting is hard work and a plan keeps a mom or dad on track. We find that many parents who don't have a plan resort to anger as a primary consequence.
Anger may come naturally, but we aren't parenting just for convenience. At least we shouldn't be. We're parenting for the long term. When you take the extra time to develop a plan for real heart change, children grow up with the tools they need to be successful in life.
Take some extra time and look for proactive ways to develop character in your children. It will change your children and it will change you. No longer will you have to resort to anger to get things done. Now you have a plan that will mold and guide your children both now and for the future.
For more information about developing an Action Plan for your by children read the book, Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller
Anger appears to work in the short run. It gets kids moving or motivates them to stop and listen. But in the end, it damages a child's decision-making ability.
Instead of becoming people-pleasers, children need to learn how to make decisions based on values and convictions. How do children learn to do that? It comes when parents discipline with firmness and love. But many parents are unsure what that means in practical terms.
What parents need is a plan. Developing consequences that touch a child's heart is a challenge but the extra time invested pays off. Parenting is hard work and a plan keeps a mom or dad on track. We find that many parents who don't have a plan resort to anger as a primary consequence.
Anger may come naturally, but we aren't parenting just for convenience. At least we shouldn't be. We're parenting for the long term. When you take the extra time to develop a plan for real heart change, children grow up with the tools they need to be successful in life.
Take some extra time and look for proactive ways to develop character in your children. It will change your children and it will change you. No longer will you have to resort to anger to get things done. Now you have a plan that will mold and guide your children both now and for the future.
For more information about developing an Action Plan for your by children read the book, Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller
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