A busy father comes home from work hoping to relax with his wife and enjoy his children. Instead, he walks into a land mine of relational issues. Children are bickering and Mom is frazzled. Even the dog has retreated to a quieter room in the house. Likewise, a mom comes home from work wanting to share a couple of interesting stories with her family only to find that, instead, everyone wants a piece of her.
When you hit those challenging moments in family life, how do you respond? You probably have certain routines you use in conflict situations or when you're stressed or upset. One mom tells us, "I call it my 'take charge mode.' I just start taking control of everything, giving orders, solving problems, and managing people. Unfortunately, I don't always do it in a gracious way. I become more interested in reestablishing my authority than in building relationships." A dad admitted, "When things get tense in my home, I retreat. I know that's not the best but it's the way I've always responded to conflict."
When things get tense in your home, step back for a moment and evaluate the patterns that have developed. One of the ways to change those patterns is to see the routines that you use when you’re under pressure. It's amazing what happens when just one person begins to change. A whole family can change a pattern, but it all starts when someone decides to relate a little differently.
We all know that children function best with routines in their schedule. They also benefit from learning good relational routines. If you will take the time to teach children how to respond well to instruction or correction and then practice those healthy routines, you will not only make family life easier but you will teach your children something they will use in relationships for the rest of their lives.
What are some ways you've been able to adjust the patterns in your family?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Look Out For Boasting
One of the three causes of sibling conflict is that children want to be first or best. In fact, they often want to exalt themselves and put others down. When a child boasts a lot, it should be a flag that this area needs some attention. Kids say things like, "I know how to do that" or "I can do that better than you." Children try to feel good about themselves by focusing on their own accomplishments. They seem to say, “I feel good about myself if I can tell you how much better I am.” Sometimes children think that just because they did it faster or neater, than they're more valuable, but that’s not the way to measure importance.
Talk to children about how to measure their value and worth. It's not good enough to find people that you are better than. God’s solution to feeling good about who you are is to please him; and it all starts with being a humble servant.
A servant attitude directly addresses the problem of boasting. A servant’s reward is the statement, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Children must learn not to compete with others but to do the best job they can, comparing themselves only to themselves and the standards and goals appropriate for them.
When you hear boasting, or see a child elevating himself or herself while putting another down, take time to point out the mistake your child is making. It's best to point it out in private or at a later time by saying something like, "I have noticed something about the way you think that concerns me. It seems that you are measuring how good you are by comparing yourself to others. You seem eager to boast and point out ways you are better. I think you're going to be an unhappy person if you keep that up.
“When you see another person accomplish something good, I want you to say something nice about that person, not about yourself. Would you please think about that? If I hear you boasting, I'll try to point it out to help you see it. I'd like to help you think in more mature ways than that."
After all, James 4:16 says, "As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil."
What are some things you've done to teach your children about servanthood?
Talk to children about how to measure their value and worth. It's not good enough to find people that you are better than. God’s solution to feeling good about who you are is to please him; and it all starts with being a humble servant.
A servant attitude directly addresses the problem of boasting. A servant’s reward is the statement, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Children must learn not to compete with others but to do the best job they can, comparing themselves only to themselves and the standards and goals appropriate for them.
When you hear boasting, or see a child elevating himself or herself while putting another down, take time to point out the mistake your child is making. It's best to point it out in private or at a later time by saying something like, "I have noticed something about the way you think that concerns me. It seems that you are measuring how good you are by comparing yourself to others. You seem eager to boast and point out ways you are better. I think you're going to be an unhappy person if you keep that up.
“When you see another person accomplish something good, I want you to say something nice about that person, not about yourself. Would you please think about that? If I hear you boasting, I'll try to point it out to help you see it. I'd like to help you think in more mature ways than that."
After all, James 4:16 says, "As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil."
What are some things you've done to teach your children about servanthood?
Monday, December 20, 2010
Don't Forget to Say Thank You
Gratefulness is an important life quality because it helps us to be thankful for what we have instead of complaining about what we don't have. Gratefulness is a lifestyle but it starts by saying "Thank you" to others who bless us.
Begin now to prepare your children for receiving gifts. Talk about the importance of the giver, not just the gift. Teach children to look at the nametag first so they can be thinking of the person who gave the gift while they open it. Encourage children to express thanks to the giver, even if that person is not in the room at the time. A phone call to extended family or a thank you note to a distant friend can mean a lot.
Gift receiving sometimes provides that awkward moment when we want to ask, "What is this?" or discover that we already have one of these. Play a "What if" game with children to help them anticipate how they might say thank you in those times.
Opening gifts can happen fast and then children are off playing with new toys and games. Helping them to take time to express gratefulness can extend the true meaning of Christmas past the few hours of Christmas Day. And don't forget to take time to thank the Lord for his special gift in Jesus Christ for us.
What are some things you've done to teach your children about gratefulness?
Begin now to prepare your children for receiving gifts. Talk about the importance of the giver, not just the gift. Teach children to look at the nametag first so they can be thinking of the person who gave the gift while they open it. Encourage children to express thanks to the giver, even if that person is not in the room at the time. A phone call to extended family or a thank you note to a distant friend can mean a lot.
Gift receiving sometimes provides that awkward moment when we want to ask, "What is this?" or discover that we already have one of these. Play a "What if" game with children to help them anticipate how they might say thank you in those times.
Opening gifts can happen fast and then children are off playing with new toys and games. Helping them to take time to express gratefulness can extend the true meaning of Christmas past the few hours of Christmas Day. And don't forget to take time to thank the Lord for his special gift in Jesus Christ for us.
What are some things you've done to teach your children about gratefulness?
Monday, December 13, 2010
Understanding Adolescence
One mom felt hurt but considered her thirteen-year-old daughter's meanness as normal. "Aren't children supposed to hate their parents in order to ease the upcoming separation?"
Another mother of a teenager had given up. "You just have to get used to their disrespect. Hopefully some day they'll appreciate you, but for now, there's no chance."
These kinds of misunderstanding of adolescent changes hinder closeness in a family and parents often don't know where to draw the line. Independent thinking is healthy but disrespect is not. Choosing one's own values is important but can't be an excuse for dishonor. Parents who don't realize the difference, miss valuable teaching opportunities.
Furthermore, teens may appear hard but they're still very sensitive. When parents dish it out the same way teens do, teens get hurt. Their understanding of themselves is much more fragile than their actions lead you to believe. Teens are at a prime time for life-altering experiences. An offhand comment by you may make a lasting impression so be careful what you say and how you say it.
There’s a reason behind what's going on during adolescence. It doesn't mean that we excuse children, but we don't have to be surprised by the changes either. The stress experienced by families during the teen years can be overwhelming. Wisdom is required to maneuver through the continual relational land mines. Be patient, look for teachable moments, don't get sucked into futile arguments, and above all continue to pray for your teens. They need it more now than ever.
What are some ways you've been able to connect with our teen's heart?
Another mother of a teenager had given up. "You just have to get used to their disrespect. Hopefully some day they'll appreciate you, but for now, there's no chance."
These kinds of misunderstanding of adolescent changes hinder closeness in a family and parents often don't know where to draw the line. Independent thinking is healthy but disrespect is not. Choosing one's own values is important but can't be an excuse for dishonor. Parents who don't realize the difference, miss valuable teaching opportunities.
Furthermore, teens may appear hard but they're still very sensitive. When parents dish it out the same way teens do, teens get hurt. Their understanding of themselves is much more fragile than their actions lead you to believe. Teens are at a prime time for life-altering experiences. An offhand comment by you may make a lasting impression so be careful what you say and how you say it.
There’s a reason behind what's going on during adolescence. It doesn't mean that we excuse children, but we don't have to be surprised by the changes either. The stress experienced by families during the teen years can be overwhelming. Wisdom is required to maneuver through the continual relational land mines. Be patient, look for teachable moments, don't get sucked into futile arguments, and above all continue to pray for your teens. They need it more now than ever.
What are some ways you've been able to connect with our teen's heart?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Being a Servant at Christmas
Sometimes children believe that the whole world revolves around them. Parents, at times, contribute to a child-centered mentality and further reinforce this misconception. Kids can get the impression that parents, siblings, and even the family pets are there simply to make them happy. The result is demandingness and an unpleasant attitude.
One of the ways to counteract this tendency is to teach children to be servants and Christmas is a great time to start. Planning and giving gifts, preparing food treats for others, setting the table, and cleaning up Christmas messes are all ways to demonstrate servanthood. You might have your children take turns giving out the gifts that are under the tree instead of just finding their own and opening them up.
Listening to others, watching family members open gifts, saying thank you, sharing, and looking for ways to help are all ideas for kids to demonstrate a servant attitude at Christmastime.
Use the word "servant" and teach children about its positive meaning in life. Talk about how being a servant is really a gift to others. After all, Jesus became a servant by becoming a man and coming to earth as our Savior (Philippians 2:5).
What are some things you've done to teach your children about servanthood?
One of the ways to counteract this tendency is to teach children to be servants and Christmas is a great time to start. Planning and giving gifts, preparing food treats for others, setting the table, and cleaning up Christmas messes are all ways to demonstrate servanthood. You might have your children take turns giving out the gifts that are under the tree instead of just finding their own and opening them up.
Listening to others, watching family members open gifts, saying thank you, sharing, and looking for ways to help are all ideas for kids to demonstrate a servant attitude at Christmastime.
Use the word "servant" and teach children about its positive meaning in life. Talk about how being a servant is really a gift to others. After all, Jesus became a servant by becoming a man and coming to earth as our Savior (Philippians 2:5).
What are some things you've done to teach your children about servanthood?
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Drawing the Line on Tattling
Tattling is one way that children point out problems rather than trying to make things better. It's important to teach children what offenses they should report to a parent and what they should try to resolve on their own or just ignore.
Parents need to know when property or people are in danger, but much of the daily infractions or mistakes made fall into a gray area requiring discernment on the part of a parent and child. You don't want to remove all reporting of offenses because sometimes you'll rely on one child to help you know when another is in danger or in trouble.
Sometimes a child should overlook an irritation and not be so easily provoked. If a child has tried to resolve the problem, and the offense isn't one to drop, then the child should report it to an adult. This isn't tattling. It's following a biblical model of conflict management. The Scriptures teach that if a problem can't be resolved between two people, then one should get another person involved in the process (Matthew 18).
The way the offense is reported and the motivation behind the report is important. If you sense that your child is just trying to get the other child in trouble, then that report is motivated by selfishness and is considered tattling.
As a parent, you have to be careful that children don't use you to get the upper hand in their arguments with each other. Tattling is often an attempt to draw you in to rescue the victim, and the way the story is reported to you often makes the urge seem irresistible. Unfortunately victims aren't always as innocent as they make it seem. You can use tattling to teach children how to report offenses in an honoring way, without exaggeration or coloring the truth, and admitting their own part of the problem.
Like many issues in family life, tattling can be a great teaching opportunity.
What are some ways you've helped your child demonstrate honor with brothers and sisters?
Parents need to know when property or people are in danger, but much of the daily infractions or mistakes made fall into a gray area requiring discernment on the part of a parent and child. You don't want to remove all reporting of offenses because sometimes you'll rely on one child to help you know when another is in danger or in trouble.
Sometimes a child should overlook an irritation and not be so easily provoked. If a child has tried to resolve the problem, and the offense isn't one to drop, then the child should report it to an adult. This isn't tattling. It's following a biblical model of conflict management. The Scriptures teach that if a problem can't be resolved between two people, then one should get another person involved in the process (Matthew 18).
The way the offense is reported and the motivation behind the report is important. If you sense that your child is just trying to get the other child in trouble, then that report is motivated by selfishness and is considered tattling.
As a parent, you have to be careful that children don't use you to get the upper hand in their arguments with each other. Tattling is often an attempt to draw you in to rescue the victim, and the way the story is reported to you often makes the urge seem irresistible. Unfortunately victims aren't always as innocent as they make it seem. You can use tattling to teach children how to report offenses in an honoring way, without exaggeration or coloring the truth, and admitting their own part of the problem.
Like many issues in family life, tattling can be a great teaching opportunity.
What are some ways you've helped your child demonstrate honor with brothers and sisters?
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Christmas: A Time to Teach Generosity
Christmas is a highlight in the life of most children, but much of the benefit is focused on what they get. Of course one of the blessings of Christmas is giving, so look for ways to teach children generosity this year. Here are some ideas:
Involves kids in your gift giving strategy or help them develop their own. Planning, shopping, and wrapping can each provide ways for children to think about blessing others.
Anticipate with your children the delight others will experience when the gifts are opened. Help your child enjoy the fun others will have when receiving gifts.
Ask children the question, "What are you doing this year to make Christmas special for others?" This question alone can help teens think of others instead of just themselves. A short discussion can help move kids from selfish tendencies to generosity.
And most importantly, remind children of the generosity of God by sending us a special gift in his Son.
How have you been able to help teach your kids generosity?
Involves kids in your gift giving strategy or help them develop their own. Planning, shopping, and wrapping can each provide ways for children to think about blessing others.
Anticipate with your children the delight others will experience when the gifts are opened. Help your child enjoy the fun others will have when receiving gifts.
Ask children the question, "What are you doing this year to make Christmas special for others?" This question alone can help teens think of others instead of just themselves. A short discussion can help move kids from selfish tendencies to generosity.
And most importantly, remind children of the generosity of God by sending us a special gift in his Son.
How have you been able to help teach your kids generosity?
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