A Clear Warning

One of the tools of discipline is a clear warning. It can actually be a teaching tool because it helps children know how to anticipate consequences of their actions. Furthermore a clear warning clarifies for your children that what you have said wasn't just a suggestion, but that you meant business.

When you give a warning, it is important to obtain eye contact, speak calmly but firmly, and clarify both the instruction and the consequence that will come if the child doesn't respond. A clear warning says: "If you don't finish your homework you won't be able to watch TV after supper." Or, "If you can't play nicely with your friend, he will have to go home."

A warning is different than a threat. Threats are emotional responses usually spoken out of anger or desperation with an exaggerated or ambiguous consequence, rarely leading to a consequence. "If you don't clean up these toys right now, I'm going to throw them all away!" Or, "If you don't come with me now, I'm going to leave you here!" These are threats, not warnings.

Warnings aren't always necessary. If a child hits another and you've already established a rule for such things, then it's understood that that this is wrong and you can move directly to the consequence. If you do use a warning, just give it once. Instead of a process like this: instruction, warning, follow through, some parents have a process that looks like this: instruction, warning, warning, warning, warning, explosion with anger.

Make a clear warning part of your discipline strategy and you will teach children important lessons about life and help them predict their own consequences for their decisions.

What benefits have you seen in your family from a clear warning?

Are You Giving Instructions Clearly?

We’ve all found ourselves in situations where adults are supervising children. Some adults have the ability to command attention and get children to listen better than others. All they use is what we call a Firm Instruction, a very important part of the discipline process. It's quite useful whether you're working with your own children or someone else's.

Good discipline doesn't just mean finding appropriate consequences. In fact, developing the skill of giving instructions can prevent many of the discipline problems we experience. Here's what makes a Firm Instruction work best.

To give a Firm Instruction you must first get your child's attention. This may involve things like moving close to the child, obtaining eye contact, and requesting the child remove the earphones. Next give a brief, firm, verbal instruction. You don't have to be harsh or irritated, just calm and matter-of-fact, communicating one-on-one with the child.

After giving the instruction, teach your children how to acknowledge your request. This will help you know that the message was received. A good response is to say, "Okay Mom" or "Okay Dad." This type of response tells you three things. It tells you that the child has heard the instruction, avoiding the common excuse later, "I didn't hear you say that."

The child's acknowledgment also tells you that the child intends to follow through. And lastly, the way the child responds to you indicates the child's attitude at the time. Is this an angry or disrespectful "Okayyyy Dadddd!” response? If so, now you know you're dealing with an attitude problem, not just working on following directions.

The Firm Instruction is one step in a complete discipline process, yet it’s often overlooked. Take time to evaluate your instructions and you'll be surprised at how small changes can make a big difference.

What benefits have you seen in your family from a firm instruction?

Ending the Discipline Time Positively

Disciplining children day-to-day often leaves tension in the parent/child relationship. Children feel angry, guilty, or fearful and their parents can be left with lingering frustration. One helpful solution for both parent and child is to have a debriefing after every discipline time. We call it a Positive Conclusion.

During the Positive Conclusion, talk about what went wrong, why it was wrong, and what the child might do differently next time. With younger children you might simply develop a routine, asking them questions in a gentle, non-accusing tone. With teens, a discussion is often helpful covering the same issues.

This kind of Positive Conclusion not only helps clear the air between parent and child but it also helps children think rightly about mistakes as they get older. Instead of self condemnation, a child learns to confess a mistake, determine why it was wrong, and then plan a better response for next time.

Be sure to end the Positive Conclusion with an affirmation like “Okay, go ahead and try again.” It’s the same kind of affirmation that Jesus gave to the woman caught in adultery in John 8 when he said, “Go and sin no more.”

Regular use of a Positive Conclusion in your parenting will reduce the tension as well as teach children a better response for next time. To read more about how to have a Positive Conclusion, click here.

What is Your Action Point?

Why does Dad get the kids in bed faster than Mom? Or, Why do children respond differently in the classroom, on the playground, and in the home? The answer to these questions has a number of parts but one piece of the puzzle is what we call an action point.

An action point reveals the cues that you mean business, that the words you are saying now are not just a suggestion but that they are an instruction you expect your child to follow. An action point is the point in the interaction where you stop talking and start acting by giving a consequence.

In some situations the action point is very long in coming. Why do babysitters get taken advantage of? Some babysitters have no action point. Grandmas fall into two categories. Either they are critical because your action point isn't tight enough or they have very little action point at all.

We don't want to suggest that you avoid talking and just start commanding children around with threats of impending doom. What we're suggesting is that your children need cues besides anger that the discussion is over and it's time to follow through. It may be a particular kind of look or tone of voice or a choice of words. One dad said, "When I give an instruction I try to use my daughter's name and I'll often say the word "now," for example "Kristen, please get in the car now."

Children are smart and they learn different action points from various parents, teachers and leaders. In some ways it might be helpful to view it as a game recognizing that kids learn how to play you. They continue what they're doing up until the point when they know you'll take action. Your children know your action point.

Take time to decide what you want that action point to look like. Avoid meanness and teach your children cues that will avoid harshness or anger. Those cues can be a great asset in keeping relationships healthy.

What benefits have you seen in your family by tightening your action point?

Problem Solving and Decision Making

How do your children handle problems and decisions? Some children whine, complain, and have bad attitudes. However, problems and decisions make great opportunities to teach children how to face life's challenges.

Families make decisions and solve problems on a daily basis. Parents must make some decisions, and in those cases children need to learn to follow. At other times parents can involve children and teach them to make wise choices.

Developing good decision-making skills gives children the ability to define a problem, imagine consequences of various alternatives, and then choose the best solution among the options. Allowing children to solve some problems for themselves communicates honor to them. It says, "I believe in you. You have what it takes."

Sometimes parents solve problems for children to help them avoid frustration. Be careful that you don't rob your children of learning experiences. Frustration can be a great teacher and can motivate children into new areas. You then can be the counselor or coach as life teaches a valuable lesson.

Don't be too quick to solve a problem or make a decision for your kids. Involve children in the process, not just in the final product. Much of the day-to-day problem-solving and decision-making in family life can demonstrate cooperation and teamwork as parents and children work together. Cooperative decision-making teaches children valuable skills of negotiation, compromise, communication, and creating alternatives. Mutual honor is demonstrated in the midst of cooperation.

What are some ways you see your kids learning through problem-solving?

Do We Teach Honor or Respect?

When families think about honor, they often restrict their thinking to respectful behavior, being polite, courteous, and having good manners. This is a rather narrow understanding and is only a small portion of what honor actually is. Respectful behavior, although a subset of honor, is incomplete in and of itself.

Susie learned manners at an early age. "What a nice girl," people would say. Susie learned acceptable behavior but as she grew older she rebelled against the rules, finding them empty and overly restrictive. Teaching respect is not enough.

Honor comes when you recognize a person's worth or value. Respect focuses on behavior, doing the appropriate thing, whereas honor comes from the heart. Respect acknowledges a person's position, while honor attaches worth to that person. Respect teaches manners and proper behavior in the presence of others. Honor teaches something deeper, an appreciation of that person.

Respect can become an outward technique to make a family look good to others, but honor builds the hidden bonds that provide great strength and long-lasting unity. It's one thing to obey the crossing guard out of respect for his position. It's yet another to show honor to him because you know him as a friend.

Although we're making a contrast between respect and honor, don't assume that honor is good and respect is bad. Both have their place. When children are young, they learn respectful behavior, but as they grow older, they can develop a heart response of honor as well. It's good to teach respectful behavior but it's important that you not stop there. Honor adds a deeper dimension to relationships.

Honor deals with meanness in relationships. Honor does a job thoroughly and with a good attitude. Honor looks for what needs to be done before being asked. All children (and adults) need to learn honor. Teaching it makes a big difference in family life.

How have you seen honor demonstrated in your family?