Developing Closeness

Parents must maintain a balance as they work with their kids. Firmness, confrontation, and correction in a child’s life are tools that God uses to address heart issues. You won’t get very far, however, by simply telling your children the right thing to do. Remember that a child can only take as much pressure as the relationship can withstand.

Those who apply force without relationship end up with angry and rebellious kids. Jesus was a great example of leaving behind the agenda to care for people and connect with their hearts. He rebuked Martha for her busyness and affirmed Mary for just sitting with him (Luke 10:38–42).

Many a tired parent asks, “Why do I want closeness with my child anyway?” Distance from children can even seem welcome sometimes. Some parents are frustrated with their role and eager for relief. One mom even believed distance was healthy said, “Aren’t teens supposed to hate their parents to prepare them for the upcoming separation and independence they need?”

This kind of attitude hinders a parent’s effectiveness. Teenagers may reject closeness with parents sometimes, but adolescence is when they need the relationship the most. New values, decisions, and difficult choices require wisdom that the teen doesn’t have yet. Young people need insight and guidance that parents can give them.

Emotionally connecting with your children isn’t just so you can all feel good. Connecting with your son or daughter emotionally softens hearts and prepares the way for much of the hard work of parenting, making it more effective and even enjoyable.

What are some ways you've been able to teach develop closeness in your family?

“That’s Not Fair!”

Competition between siblings is often demonstrated by the statement, "That's not fair" or "What about him?" Competition stems from comparison and often creates conflict in relationships between brothers and sisters.

Here's an idea that will go a long way to reduce the comparison and competition between your children. Treat each child uniquely and don't try to treat all your kids the same. Intentionally give them different privileges, assignments, and responsibilities. Avoid grouping the children by saying things like, "Kids, it's time to eat" or "Boys, let's get in the car." Instead, use each child’s name and give separate instructions. "Bill, please wash your hands and come to dinner." "Karen, come join us now for dinner?"

When children compare themselves to each other they say they want equality, but that's not really true. What each child wants is to feel special. When you treat them uniquely, and focus on each child individually, you'll be surprised how much comparison and competition are reduced in your family.

After all, God doesn't treat us all the same. He treats us each uniquely. John 21:15-23 contains a fascinating story that often happens in families today. Jesus is telling Peter how he is going to die. Peter turns and looks at another disciple and says, "What about him?" Jesus answers, "What is that to you? You follow me." In essence Jesus was saying, "I treat each person uniquely. You worry about yourself." What a great lesson to apply to our families. Treat people uniquely and special instead of trying to treat them all equally or the same.

What are some ways that you've found helpful to teach your kids to get along?

Sibling Conflict: A Great Opportunity

"When the bickering gets too bad I just go in my room and shut the door!" one mom said in exasperation. The fact is that many parents believe the solution to arguing and bickering is to allow children to "fight it out."

That's one solution parents commonly use when their children start fighting. Other parents separate the children and try to keep them apart in order to maintain peace. They imitate a referee at a boxing match, breaking up the conflict and sending the fighters to their opposite corners. Unfortunately, continually separating children doesn't solve the problem. In fact, the children often come back again to fight some more.

We believe both of these solutions are inadequate because they lack the depth needed to bring about lasting change. When parents only separate the offenders or walk away, they miss valuable opportunities to help their children grow.

Conflict with brothers and sisters is a child's first class in relationship school. Your home is the classroom, you are the teacher, and honor is the curriculum. Each conflict situation becomes an opportunity for teaching children how to get along.

When two children are fighting, call one out of the room and talk about how to deal with the conflict. Teach children how to confront, ignore, negotiate, compromise, talk about problems, and be peacemakers. Then send the child back into the situation to try again. If necessary, call the second child out and give helpful suggestions before trying again. Whatever you do, don't try to discipline them together. Kids have an amazing way of deflecting discipline when they are together.

Be listening to your children's interaction and continue to coach them in relationships. You may call the same child out of an activity five or ten times in an hour to continue to point out the change that needs to take place. Help children know what right actions are appropriate, and as long as they are willing to try to do the right thing, send them back into the situation to try again.

Use sibling conflict to teach about healthy relationships. It takes a lot of work but you’ll be preparing your children to deal with the difficult relationships they’ll encounter for the rest of their lives.

What are some ways that you've found helpful to teach your kids to honor?

Another Way to Teach Kids Honor

One of the ways that parents can teach honor to children is to include it in the instruction process. You might say, “I’d like you to obey me by setting the table, then I want you to think of something extra to do to surprise me. That’s showing honor. You choose; it’s up to you. Report to me when you’re done and I’ll check your work.”

Surprising parents delights them and focuses on something they want or need. Instructing children to surprise you by doing something extra teaches them to think about your needs and desires not just getting away with the bare minimum. When your child does an extra task, it’s like giving you a gift. Receive the gift with delight. This can be a fun way to teach honor.

Honor involves doing more than what's expected. All family members need to learn honor and children can learn it when parents teach it. So look for ways to teach kids to do more than what's expected in daily life. It will not only make family life better now but it will also help kids be more successful as they get older.

What are some ways that you've found helpful to teach your kids to honor?

Teaching Children to Look for Ways to Help

One of the parts of our honor definition is that we do more than what's expected. That means seeing what needs to be done and doing it. It means solving problems instead leaving them for others. One family had a sign in their kitchen that read:

If it’s broken, fix it.
If it’s empty, fill it up.
If it’s open, shut it.
If it’s out, put it away.
If it’s messy, clean it up.
If you can’t, then report it.
That’s honor.

Take time to teach children that they don't have to be asked in order to do a job. Honor means that we’re all contributing to family life. In fact, you may ask a child to go around the house and look for one job that needs to be done and do it, then report back to you.

These kinds of discussions and exercises will help children think outside of their little box and discover that they have a responsibility to the family. They can contribute to family life by just seeing something that needs to be done and doing it.

Of course, that's what makes a valuable employee too so you can teach your children something more important than just how to get along better in your family. You may be preparing them to be outstanding employees as they get older.

What are some ways that you've found helpful to teach your kids to help in the family?

Overcoming Selfishness With Honor

Some parents are frustrated because their children are so self-focused that they can't seem to grasp the concept of honoring others. How can you help children think about other people instead of always thinking about themselves?

One helpful way is to teach kids to recognize emotions in others and then know how to respond accordingly. One dad wanted to work on honor with his seven-year-old daughter, Diane, who was self-centered, always talking and thinking about herself. He used a journal and, in the evening, asked Diane to identify examples of a friend or family member who was sad, mad, or glad that day. Then he asked the question, "How might you respond to that person in a helpful way?"

They continued this exercise every evening for two weeks. After awhile it helped Diane get outside of herself, look at the needs and feelings of others, and then talk about ways to respond with honor. When her brother is mad, it might be best to leave him alone or to just ask a helpful question. With her friend who is sad, she could offer to help and then listen empathetically. When Mom is glad, Diane could enter into that gladness by listening to the story and enjoying the situation too.

The Bible says in Philippians 2:3, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourselves." That's good advice for all of us. Seeing and responding to emotions in others is a great way to start.

What are some other ways to help children develop empathy?

The Wise Appeal

When children know how to obey then we can give them the privilege of using a wise appeal. When a child doesn't like a request or instruction, they may use a wise appeal that goes something like this:

I understand you want me to…because…
I have a problem with that because…
So could I please…

The first phrase helps the child identify with the concerns and needs of the parent. When parents feel understood they're more likely to listen to alternatives, negotiate, or compromise.

The second phrase helps the parent to understand the child's predicament and reason for discussion.

In the third phrase the child offers a creative solution that addresses both the concerns of Mom or Dad and the concerns of the child.

You may say to your seven-year-old son, "It's time to clean up the playroom now. We have to go run errands." If he's just gotten involved in his train set, he might say, "I understand you want me to clean up because we have to go out, I have a problem with that because I just set up my train track, could I please leave my train out until we get home?"

Of course, a child in this situation needs to be able to accept "no" as an answer. A child who is unable to accept "no" without tears or an argument isn't ready to use the wise appeal and loses the privilege of using it. Sometimes however, the wise appeal can be helpful in family life. It teaches children an honoring way to appeal.

Some children may try to use the wise appeal in a manipulative way or may not be mature enough to handle it. A child may try to use the wise appeal to get out of doing a job altogether. This is unacceptable. The wise appeal results in a contract between parent and child. This contract requires trust and when a child proves responsible, then the child earns the privilege of more trust.

The wise appeal is illustrated in Scripture in the lives of Daniel, Esther, and Nehemiah who all had to go to an authority to present a difficult situation. Their success happened, in part, because of the way they made their requests. By teaching the wise appeal, you teach children an adult skill they can use forever.

How have you seen the wise appeal work in your family?