We all want cooperation from our children and many parents are disappointed when they don't get it, but do we take time to teach it? Cooperation involves give and take. As parents, we are more than willing to give, expecting that our children will give sometimes too. Unfortunately, some children don't know how to give; they only take. Any negotiation has to have something in it for the child or he won't work with you, and if he does agree to work, he'll do so with a bad attitude. That's not cooperation, that's coercion.
If you have a child who doesn't know how to cooperate, maybe you need to use a technique we call, "Obey first and then we’ll talk about it." This technique simply reverses the sequence of two important elements, discussion and responsiveness. A person who knows how to cooperate can be responsive and give in without necessarily having a personal benefit. The enjoyment of a pleasant relationship is the reward and sacrifice is a way to gain it.
Some parents try to talk their children into following instructions or have discussions to help them want to obey. These children often can't follow a simple instruction without a dialogue and grow up to make poor team members, difficult employees, and demanding friends.
Some parents who see a need for their children to give, not just take, require obedience by saying, "Because I'm the parent, that's why." We believe that although these parents may have a handle on the problem, their solution is inadequate. We simply suggest that a child may need a period of time where following instructions comes before the discussion to foster the ability to give up one's agenda without always having to get something out of it.
When Jenny is asked to get on her pajamas and responds with, "But I'm not tired," Mom may say, "Jenny, I'd like you to obey first and then we'll talk about it." After Jenny obeys, then a discussion about bedtime may take place. It's surprising though, how many children don't feel the need for a discussion afterwards. Dialogue for them was simply an attempt to delay or avoid obedience.
If your children are having trouble cooperating, try "Obey first and then we'll talk about it" for a while and you'll see a noticeable difference.
What are some ways you've been able to teach cooperation in your family?
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
A Heart Approach is Different
Many parents use a simple behavior modification approach to raise their children. “If you get your homework done, then you can go out and play.” “If you clean your room, then you can watch a video.”
Unfortunately children trained this way often develop a “What's in it for me?” mentality. “If I don't get something out of it, why should I obey?”
God is concerned with more than behavior. He's interested in the heart. The heart contains motivations, emotions, convictions, and values. A heart-based approach to parenting looks deeper. Parents still require children to finish their homework and clean up their rooms but the way they give the instructions is different.
Instead of just getting things done, parents look for long-term change in their kids. Sometimes children aren't ready to change on a heart level and parents must work to address the heart. That may mean more relationship to open the heart or it may involve more boundaries to show kids that they way they're living just isn't going to work.
A heart-based approach shares values and reasons behind rules. It requires more dialogue, helping children understand how their hearts are resistant and need to develop cooperation. A heart-based approach is firm but also relational. It's a mindset on the part of parents that looks to develop heart qualities that then bring about significant change.
As you consider your kids remember the words that God said to Samuel in 1 Samuel 16, “Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks on the heart.”
What are some ways you've been able to apply a heart-based approach to parenting?
Unfortunately children trained this way often develop a “What's in it for me?” mentality. “If I don't get something out of it, why should I obey?”
God is concerned with more than behavior. He's interested in the heart. The heart contains motivations, emotions, convictions, and values. A heart-based approach to parenting looks deeper. Parents still require children to finish their homework and clean up their rooms but the way they give the instructions is different.
Instead of just getting things done, parents look for long-term change in their kids. Sometimes children aren't ready to change on a heart level and parents must work to address the heart. That may mean more relationship to open the heart or it may involve more boundaries to show kids that they way they're living just isn't going to work.
A heart-based approach shares values and reasons behind rules. It requires more dialogue, helping children understand how their hearts are resistant and need to develop cooperation. A heart-based approach is firm but also relational. It's a mindset on the part of parents that looks to develop heart qualities that then bring about significant change.
As you consider your kids remember the words that God said to Samuel in 1 Samuel 16, “Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks on the heart.”
What are some ways you've been able to apply a heart-based approach to parenting?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Hero Training Camp at Home
Hero Training Camp is the Conscience Development Program for Kids.
We're eager to hear your reports about your Hero Training Camp at Home. Please tell us about your experience.
What excites your kids about this program?
How have you seen enhanced conscience awareness?
What are your kids saying or doing differently now because of what you're teaching?
You can enroll in Hero Training Camp at Home here.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Make Mealtimes Fun
In many homes, dinnertime is the only time when the family actually gets together. This becomes more pronounced as children get older and schedules become more complicated. It's unfortunate that many parents overemphasize manners or food choices or even use the table talk as a time to go over the offenses of the day or to further discipline children.
All of these things may be necessary or helpful at times but be careful not to develop a negative pattern. We say that more meals are ruined at the dinner table than at the stove. Instead, use mealtimes to share about the day. Talk about things you've learned and ask children to talk about their experiences. Children will learn valuable relationship skills like listening, asking questions, talking, and telling stories. Gentle reminders about listening, not interrupting, or letting someone else speak, can go a long way to teach children how to carry on conversations and enjoy others in the process.
Children learn from stories. As you share ways you're growing or incidents that made an impression on your day, children apply them to their own lives. Laughing and being silly can add to a positive sense of family life. When appropriate, share how you have applied God's Word in practical situations by the way you think or act. This helps children see that spirituality is not just a technique; it’s a lifestyle.
Some children make mealtimes a challenge. Hyperactivity or overly talkative youngsters can make civilized conversations difficult. Sibling conflict issues spill over into what might otherwise be pleasant conversations. Try to gently move things back on track. Redirect conversation and distract children by your enthusiasm and energy.
God promises us a special dinner at the end of this world. It's called the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. It will be a feast to celebrate our relationship with Christ. You can be sure that that meal will be special time of enjoying relationships.
What are some ideas you've found helpful to teach your children values?
All of these things may be necessary or helpful at times but be careful not to develop a negative pattern. We say that more meals are ruined at the dinner table than at the stove. Instead, use mealtimes to share about the day. Talk about things you've learned and ask children to talk about their experiences. Children will learn valuable relationship skills like listening, asking questions, talking, and telling stories. Gentle reminders about listening, not interrupting, or letting someone else speak, can go a long way to teach children how to carry on conversations and enjoy others in the process.
Children learn from stories. As you share ways you're growing or incidents that made an impression on your day, children apply them to their own lives. Laughing and being silly can add to a positive sense of family life. When appropriate, share how you have applied God's Word in practical situations by the way you think or act. This helps children see that spirituality is not just a technique; it’s a lifestyle.
Some children make mealtimes a challenge. Hyperactivity or overly talkative youngsters can make civilized conversations difficult. Sibling conflict issues spill over into what might otherwise be pleasant conversations. Try to gently move things back on track. Redirect conversation and distract children by your enthusiasm and energy.
God promises us a special dinner at the end of this world. It's called the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. It will be a feast to celebrate our relationship with Christ. You can be sure that that meal will be special time of enjoying relationships.
What are some ideas you've found helpful to teach your children values?
Sunday, June 13, 2010
The Stop Rule
Teasing and playing around can be amusing, but usually one person wants to stop before the other. Angry words and tears often bring an end to what started out as fun. Incorporating a "Stop Rule" in your family will help children, and parents for that matter, know when to quit.
The Stop Rule is simply this: When a child wants to be done with a teasing or tickling game, that child just says, "Stop" and the other child must stop the game. Even parents need to stop when a child doesn't want to be teased anymore. In fact, a good way to teach this rule is for a parent to tickle a child and stop immediately when the child says, “Stop.”
Of course, to make this work, you as a parent need to be available to enforce the rule. When you hear one child say, "Stop," watch and see if you’re needed to step in to enforce the rule.
One mom told us, "I thought this idea was too simple, but one day I was so frustrated, I decided to teach it to my children. They liked the idea…and it worked! Now it has become a regular part of our family life."
The Stop Rule teaches children the value of their words. When someone is relentlessly teasing, your child will know that his or her personal boundaries are being violated and want to seek help. This is a helpful rule for creating boundaries in relationships between siblings or playmates and it teaches children adult solutions for solving their childhood problems.
What are some ideas you've found helpful to teach your children the value of their words?
The Stop Rule is simply this: When a child wants to be done with a teasing or tickling game, that child just says, "Stop" and the other child must stop the game. Even parents need to stop when a child doesn't want to be teased anymore. In fact, a good way to teach this rule is for a parent to tickle a child and stop immediately when the child says, “Stop.”
Of course, to make this work, you as a parent need to be available to enforce the rule. When you hear one child say, "Stop," watch and see if you’re needed to step in to enforce the rule.
One mom told us, "I thought this idea was too simple, but one day I was so frustrated, I decided to teach it to my children. They liked the idea…and it worked! Now it has become a regular part of our family life."
The Stop Rule teaches children the value of their words. When someone is relentlessly teasing, your child will know that his or her personal boundaries are being violated and want to seek help. This is a helpful rule for creating boundaries in relationships between siblings or playmates and it teaches children adult solutions for solving their childhood problems.
What are some ideas you've found helpful to teach your children the value of their words?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Why a Bedtime is Important
One of the gifts parents can give their children is teaching and developing the character quality of self-discipline. With young children, in particular, bedtime is a good place to start. Children often don't want to go to bed and the continual battle night after night is draining, causing many parents to just give up and allow children to stay up later.
A bedtime for children is good for them as well as for their parents. Enforcing it though, means extra work for a while. Here are some suggestions for working with young children to make bedtimes work more effectively.
1) Start the bedtime routine earlier so that it doesn't all get crammed into the last few minutes. If bedtime is 8:00 pm then start the routine at 7:30 by getting on pajamas and completing a bathroom routine. Then enjoy some relaxed time with children, reading or playing or just talking together.
2) At bedtime, tuck each child in individually. Use this time to continue to debrief about the day in preparation for a good night sleep and pleasant dreams. You may pray, sing, and hug your child. Different families do different things to make it fun and meaningful.
3) Enforce quietness. A child may not feel tired so lying quietly is all you need to require. You may have to sit in the doorway or just outside the door to make sure the child doesn't get up, turn the light on, or start playing.
4) If a child gets up or calls out. Quickly, calmly, and firmly, get the child back in bed with as little dialogue as possible. One dad was surprised to find that the first night he had to take his three-year-old son back to bed over 20 times. After a few days, though, he saw tremendous improvement. His son realized that bedtime was nonnegotiable.
5) Hang in there, be consistent, and invest in the self-discipline development of your child. You and your children will benefit from the work you put into the process.
Bedtimes are opportunities to build relationship, but there comes a point where building self-discipline takes priority. Young children are happier and more pleasant to work with once they've learned self-discipline in their lives. It's work but it's worth it in the end.
What are some ideas you've found helpful to teach your children self discipline at bedtime?
A bedtime for children is good for them as well as for their parents. Enforcing it though, means extra work for a while. Here are some suggestions for working with young children to make bedtimes work more effectively.
1) Start the bedtime routine earlier so that it doesn't all get crammed into the last few minutes. If bedtime is 8:00 pm then start the routine at 7:30 by getting on pajamas and completing a bathroom routine. Then enjoy some relaxed time with children, reading or playing or just talking together.
2) At bedtime, tuck each child in individually. Use this time to continue to debrief about the day in preparation for a good night sleep and pleasant dreams. You may pray, sing, and hug your child. Different families do different things to make it fun and meaningful.
3) Enforce quietness. A child may not feel tired so lying quietly is all you need to require. You may have to sit in the doorway or just outside the door to make sure the child doesn't get up, turn the light on, or start playing.
4) If a child gets up or calls out. Quickly, calmly, and firmly, get the child back in bed with as little dialogue as possible. One dad was surprised to find that the first night he had to take his three-year-old son back to bed over 20 times. After a few days, though, he saw tremendous improvement. His son realized that bedtime was nonnegotiable.
5) Hang in there, be consistent, and invest in the self-discipline development of your child. You and your children will benefit from the work you put into the process.
Bedtimes are opportunities to build relationship, but there comes a point where building self-discipline takes priority. Young children are happier and more pleasant to work with once they've learned self-discipline in their lives. It's work but it's worth it in the end.
What are some ideas you've found helpful to teach your children self discipline at bedtime?
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Some Kids Drain Energy Out of Family Life
Some children have the ability to suck the energy right out of family life. These children are demanding of your time, need a lot of correction, and seem to be magnets for conflict. They are often emotionally explosive but almost always drain the energy out of parents and other family members. Unfortunately then, these children develop a negative view of themselves based on the high amount of negative feedback they receive.
One solution is to teach them to add energy back into family life. We use the term "honor" to describe the process of thinking of others above yourself. If Jack seems to get people riled up each afternoon before dinner, set an appointment with him at 4:00 pm for several days in a row and ask him to look for three things he can do to add to family life. He may decorate the dinner table, encourage his brother, or prepare something nice for Dad's arrival home.
If Jack continually antagonizes his sister, tell him that he needs to think of three nice things to do for her before he can go on with family life. Don’t tell him exactly what he needs to do. If you decide what Jack needs to do and tell him to do it, that's obedience. When Jack chooses, that's honor. Honor treats people as special and does more than what's expected. Jack needs to learn how to add energy to family life instead of taking it away. Challenging children in this way helps them to think differently.
Teens need to learn honor because it will make them more successful in life. Hidden within honor are the secret ingredients that make people more productive in relationships. Teaching honor is worth the work, because honor changes people.
What are some ways that you see your children showing honor?
One solution is to teach them to add energy back into family life. We use the term "honor" to describe the process of thinking of others above yourself. If Jack seems to get people riled up each afternoon before dinner, set an appointment with him at 4:00 pm for several days in a row and ask him to look for three things he can do to add to family life. He may decorate the dinner table, encourage his brother, or prepare something nice for Dad's arrival home.
If Jack continually antagonizes his sister, tell him that he needs to think of three nice things to do for her before he can go on with family life. Don’t tell him exactly what he needs to do. If you decide what Jack needs to do and tell him to do it, that's obedience. When Jack chooses, that's honor. Honor treats people as special and does more than what's expected. Jack needs to learn how to add energy to family life instead of taking it away. Challenging children in this way helps them to think differently.
Teens need to learn honor because it will make them more successful in life. Hidden within honor are the secret ingredients that make people more productive in relationships. Teaching honor is worth the work, because honor changes people.
What are some ways that you see your children showing honor?
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