When we talk about calming down and controlling anger, we don't mean denying it. Some people may think that controlling anger means ignoring it, pushing it away, or stifling it. That is unproductive. We want to teach children a strategy to address their feelings and manage them in a healthy way. Anger should not be stifled and ignored, but rage does need to be controlled.
Some people believe that the only way to get rid of anger is to drain it by venting. Unfortunately, this venting doesn't take into consideration the person upon whom that anger is vented. Venting anger is selfish and hurtful to others; it's a demonstration of a lack of self-control.
Often the expression of anger is harmful and hurtful to other people. Proverbs 29:11 says, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Venting anger may bring immediate resolution on a feeling level. Exploding and venting anger often helps a person feel better. The problem is, allowing children to vent their anger doesn't teach them how to manage their emotions in constructive ways. So the next time the child feels enraged, he is more likely to be explosive.
The solution is to help children learn to control their emotions and funnel the energy into constructive solutions. The most important key in any anger management plan is to learn to stop and take a break from the situation to settle down and then reenter in a more self controlled way.
Refuse to dialogue with children when they’re angry. Require an angry child to sit in the hall or on the bottom step and settle down before proceeding. If you dialogue with an angry child you may even get angry as well and then a battle will ensue. Don't let anger control your family dynamics. If your child even begins to get angry, stop the process sooner.
This tip comes from Chapter 5 "Dealing with Anger in Children" in the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
What are some things you've done to help your child successfully manage anger?
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Understanding Why We Get Angry
One of the helpful steps in equipping children to control their anger is to recognize four causes of anger. After kids have settled down and you debrief with them about their anger, talk about what's causing it. You and your child may see patterns and then be able to head off the problem earlier next time.
1) Blocked Goals. This is the kind of thing that happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the playroom and find that Billy has left his Legos all over the floor and you keep stepping on them. Or, Billy may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it first. These are blocked goals.
2) Violated Rights. That's when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favorite CD. Those are violated rights.
3) Unmet Expectations. You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or Jackie thought she would be going to McDonalds but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.
4) Experiencing Unfairness. When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, Tom may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.
Whatever the situation, after a child has settled down, talk about the cause. Discuss the value of sacrificing rights, readjusting goals or expectations, and handling unfairness in a godly way. By examining the causes of anger, you can help children gain greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.
This tip comes from Chapter 5 "Dealing with Anger in Children" in the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
What are some things you've done to help your child successfully manage anger?
1) Blocked Goals. This is the kind of thing that happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the playroom and find that Billy has left his Legos all over the floor and you keep stepping on them. Or, Billy may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it first. These are blocked goals.
2) Violated Rights. That's when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favorite CD. Those are violated rights.
3) Unmet Expectations. You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or Jackie thought she would be going to McDonalds but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.
4) Experiencing Unfairness. When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, Tom may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.
Whatever the situation, after a child has settled down, talk about the cause. Discuss the value of sacrificing rights, readjusting goals or expectations, and handling unfairness in a godly way. By examining the causes of anger, you can help children gain greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.
This tip comes from Chapter 5 "Dealing with Anger in Children" in the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
What are some things you've done to help your child successfully manage anger?
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Look for Ways to Make Discipline Positive
You may be thinking, "Yes, I know discipline is supposed to be positive but how can I be positive when my kids are doing the wrong thing." Here are two practical ways you can make your discipline times a positive experience.
One way is to state rules and requests in positive terms. Instead of saying, "Don't shout," you might say, "We talk quietly in the store." Instead of "Stop being rough with the dog," you might say, "Be gentle." Instead of complaining about the clothes all over your daughter's room, you could say, "Remember to pick up your clothes and organize your room before you go out tonight."
It may take some work, but clearly stating or restating the rule in positive terms gives your child a clear picture of what you expect and keeps your interaction on a positive note. Give gentle, positive reminders to point your kids in the right direction.
A second way to be positive is to give children choices. Instead of saying, "Stop banging that drum," you could say, "You may play the drum outside or in your room." Or, "I've already said no to getting out the train set. You can either choose another activity or go outside to play for awhile." By keeping discipline positive you are training and teaching. Choices help children move in a more constructive direction. With older children you may ask “What’s your plan for chores this weekend?” giving responsibility to your child.
Ephesians 6:4 says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
The first part of the verse describes a negative way of relating to children. Exasperate gives the impression of being harsh and causing discouragement. In place of that negative response, fathers are instructed to do something positive, bring their children up in the training and instruction of the Lord. As parents, we don't want to discipline our kids to merely get rid of negative behaviors. The purpose of discipline is to train children and show them the positive direction they are to go.
This tip comes from the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
What are some things you do to keep discipline positive?
One way is to state rules and requests in positive terms. Instead of saying, "Don't shout," you might say, "We talk quietly in the store." Instead of "Stop being rough with the dog," you might say, "Be gentle." Instead of complaining about the clothes all over your daughter's room, you could say, "Remember to pick up your clothes and organize your room before you go out tonight."
It may take some work, but clearly stating or restating the rule in positive terms gives your child a clear picture of what you expect and keeps your interaction on a positive note. Give gentle, positive reminders to point your kids in the right direction.
A second way to be positive is to give children choices. Instead of saying, "Stop banging that drum," you could say, "You may play the drum outside or in your room." Or, "I've already said no to getting out the train set. You can either choose another activity or go outside to play for awhile." By keeping discipline positive you are training and teaching. Choices help children move in a more constructive direction. With older children you may ask “What’s your plan for chores this weekend?” giving responsibility to your child.
Ephesians 6:4 says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
The first part of the verse describes a negative way of relating to children. Exasperate gives the impression of being harsh and causing discouragement. In place of that negative response, fathers are instructed to do something positive, bring their children up in the training and instruction of the Lord. As parents, we don't want to discipline our kids to merely get rid of negative behaviors. The purpose of discipline is to train children and show them the positive direction they are to go.
This tip comes from the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
What are some things you do to keep discipline positive?
Saturday, January 14, 2012
An Important Distinction
Have you ever thought about the difference between punishment and discipline? There’s really quite a difference. Punishment gives a negative consequence, but discipline means to teach. Punishment is negative; discipline is positive. Punishment focuses on past misdeeds. Discipline focuses on future good deeds. Punishment is often motivated by anger. Discipline is motivated by love. Punishment focuses on justice to balance the scales. Discipline focuses on teaching, to prepare for next time.
The child who teases relentlessly, the child who whines for a snack, and the child who bickers with his brother all have one thing in common: a need to change patterns of behavior and a need to change the heart. Some parents only use punishment or anger to motivate their children to act differently. This attitude says, "If I just point out the problem enough times, he'll eventually change."
What these kids really need is firm correction with a positive focus. Be sure to tell your children what they should do in place of the unwanted behavior. Teach them right responses to replace the negative ones. Have them practice doing the right thing before they are free to go. It takes more work to discipline instead of punish but the rewards are certainly worth it. Children grow and develop new patterns of healthy responses.
This tip comes from the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
What have you done with your kids to teach them in the midst of correction?
The child who teases relentlessly, the child who whines for a snack, and the child who bickers with his brother all have one thing in common: a need to change patterns of behavior and a need to change the heart. Some parents only use punishment or anger to motivate their children to act differently. This attitude says, "If I just point out the problem enough times, he'll eventually change."
What these kids really need is firm correction with a positive focus. Be sure to tell your children what they should do in place of the unwanted behavior. Teach them right responses to replace the negative ones. Have them practice doing the right thing before they are free to go. It takes more work to discipline instead of punish but the rewards are certainly worth it. Children grow and develop new patterns of healthy responses.
This tip comes from the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
What have you done with your kids to teach them in the midst of correction?
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Teaching Children to Affirm in Conversation
Many children don't know how to listen without thinking about the next thing they want to say. Or if they do listen, they make statements like, "I know," or "I can do it better than that." Instead, teach children to affirm others in conversation. It's part of learning what it means to be a servant. Listening can be hard work. It requires that children think of the other person, not just of themselves.
Children can say, "I agree" or "You're right." Instead of launching into their own version of the story, teach them to encourage the other person first. "That must have been exciting," or "You saw a fun thing." Good responses in conversation are "Oh," "That's interesting," or to ask a question. Conversation can be self-serving or others-serving.
If your children continually talk and rarely listen, encourage them to affirm the last thing you said before they begin talking. Affirming others' speech is a skill that children will use forever and it helps them address a little of their own selfishness now. Furthermore, it makes conversations with children more pleasant and enjoyable.
This parenting tip is taken from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids, a book about honor and how we handle relationships. This honor teaching is also available on audio CDs or as MP3 downloads. To learn more about our honor curriculum click here.
How have you taught your children about listening to their siblings?
Children can say, "I agree" or "You're right." Instead of launching into their own version of the story, teach them to encourage the other person first. "That must have been exciting," or "You saw a fun thing." Good responses in conversation are "Oh," "That's interesting," or to ask a question. Conversation can be self-serving or others-serving.
If your children continually talk and rarely listen, encourage them to affirm the last thing you said before they begin talking. Affirming others' speech is a skill that children will use forever and it helps them address a little of their own selfishness now. Furthermore, it makes conversations with children more pleasant and enjoyable.
This parenting tip is taken from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids, a book about honor and how we handle relationships. This honor teaching is also available on audio CDs or as MP3 downloads. To learn more about our honor curriculum click here.
How have you taught your children about listening to their siblings?
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A Plan to Help with Tough Parenting Problems
When you feel overwhelmed by the poor behavior of your child, here’s an exercise that will give you some direction. In fact, this activity is good for any parent looking for ways to help a child grow, but it’s especially helpful when you’re confused and overwhelmed by a problem’s complexity or deeply-rooted nature.
Start by making a list of the problems you’ve seen in your child in the last few days. This isn’t a list to show to your child but it's a working list so that you can gain some perspective in your discipline. You’re looking for examples of problems that need to be addressed. Look for behaviors, their causes, and common arenas where the problem takes place. In this step, you’re simply gathering data and making observations.
Next, group the offenses around character qualities. That is, look for common threads in the offenses that are an indication of a deeper heart issue. For example, you may be seeing selfishness demonstrated or meanness or lack of respect for authority.
Next you want to name the positive quality your child needs. Possibly kindness, or responsibility, or honor, or respect for others.
Once you have the character quality chosen, you can develop a practical definition for it and concrete ways of demonstrating the quality. Share this new quality with your child in a positive way, communicating hope in the process. Talk about what it means and how the child will benefit from this quality now and in the future. Then practice, practice, practice. Reinforce this new quality by sharing demonstrations of it in the lives of other people you know, and affirm your child when you see it. "I like to obedience I'm seeing" and "Doesn't it feel good to be responsible and care for your hamster?"
Behavior problems are temporary, but the character you work on in your child's heart will help your child now and in the future.
This parenting idea comes from the new book Parenting Shifts, 50 Heart-Based Strategies to Keep You Growing in Your Parenting by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Start by making a list of the problems you’ve seen in your child in the last few days. This isn’t a list to show to your child but it's a working list so that you can gain some perspective in your discipline. You’re looking for examples of problems that need to be addressed. Look for behaviors, their causes, and common arenas where the problem takes place. In this step, you’re simply gathering data and making observations.
Next, group the offenses around character qualities. That is, look for common threads in the offenses that are an indication of a deeper heart issue. For example, you may be seeing selfishness demonstrated or meanness or lack of respect for authority.
Next you want to name the positive quality your child needs. Possibly kindness, or responsibility, or honor, or respect for others.
Once you have the character quality chosen, you can develop a practical definition for it and concrete ways of demonstrating the quality. Share this new quality with your child in a positive way, communicating hope in the process. Talk about what it means and how the child will benefit from this quality now and in the future. Then practice, practice, practice. Reinforce this new quality by sharing demonstrations of it in the lives of other people you know, and affirm your child when you see it. "I like to obedience I'm seeing" and "Doesn't it feel good to be responsible and care for your hamster?"
Behavior problems are temporary, but the character you work on in your child's heart will help your child now and in the future.
This parenting idea comes from the new book Parenting Shifts, 50 Heart-Based Strategies to Keep You Growing in Your Parenting by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Desire and Temptation
We all wish our children would desire the right things in life and avoid tempting situations. Desires reside in the heart and can be good or bad. Psalm 37:4 tells us “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Knowing the difference between a healthy desire and a temptation, however, can be a challenge at times, especially for kids.
A great tool in this area is your own transparency. You encounter desires and temptations every day. By talking with your children about how you deal with those situations, you can provide your kids with examples that will help them learn what to do with their own desires and temptations.
Twelve-year-old Sean asked his mom why she didn’t get angry when she was cut off on the road, giving Mom a perfect opportunity to talk about how she lets it go so she doesn’t have to harbor the anger. Mom knew that Sean needed that message because he’d been treated unfairly at school and was tempted to act out his own anger. Sean listened and pondered what his mom said. Mom watched the wheels turn in his head and knew she had just connected somewhere deep inside her son.
Don’t miss the opportunities provided by day-to-day life to point out to your children appropriate ways to deal with desires. Explain to your kids why you pursue some desires and let others go, and help your children see how those principles apply to their own lives as well. Your transparency can be a valuable guide as your children wrestle with desires.
This parenting tip is from the book Parenting is Heart Work by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
How have you addressed good and bad desires in your child's heart?
A great tool in this area is your own transparency. You encounter desires and temptations every day. By talking with your children about how you deal with those situations, you can provide your kids with examples that will help them learn what to do with their own desires and temptations.
Twelve-year-old Sean asked his mom why she didn’t get angry when she was cut off on the road, giving Mom a perfect opportunity to talk about how she lets it go so she doesn’t have to harbor the anger. Mom knew that Sean needed that message because he’d been treated unfairly at school and was tempted to act out his own anger. Sean listened and pondered what his mom said. Mom watched the wheels turn in his head and knew she had just connected somewhere deep inside her son.
Don’t miss the opportunities provided by day-to-day life to point out to your children appropriate ways to deal with desires. Explain to your kids why you pursue some desires and let others go, and help your children see how those principles apply to their own lives as well. Your transparency can be a valuable guide as your children wrestle with desires.
This parenting tip is from the book Parenting is Heart Work by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
How have you addressed good and bad desires in your child's heart?
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