When families think about honor, they often restrict their thinking to respectful behavior, being polite, courteous, and having good manners. This is a rather narrow understanding and is only a small portion of what honor actually is. Respectful behavior, although a subset of honor, is incomplete in and of itself.
Susie learned manners at an early age. "What a nice girl," people would say. Susie learned acceptable behavior but as she grew older she rebelled against the rules, finding them empty and overly restrictive. Teaching respect is not enough.
Honor comes when you recognize a person's worth or value. Respect focuses on behavior, doing the appropriate thing, whereas honor comes from the heart. Respect acknowledges a person's position, while honor attaches worth to that person. Respect teaches manners and proper behavior in the presence of others. Honor teaches something deeper, an appreciation of that person.
Respect can become an outward technique to make a family look good to others, but honor builds the hidden bonds that provide great strength and long-lasting unity. It's one thing to obey the crossing guard out of respect for his position. It's yet another to show honor to him because you know him as a friend.
Although we're making a contrast between respect and honor, don't assume that honor is good and respect is bad. Both have their place. When children are young, they learn respectful behavior, but as they grow older, they can develop a heart response of honor as well. It's good to teach respectful behavior but it's important that you not stop there. Honor adds a deeper dimension to relationships.
Honor deals with meanness in relationships. Honor does a job thoroughly and with a good attitude. Honor looks for what needs to be done before being asked. All children (and adults) need to learn honor. Teaching it makes a big difference in family life.
How have you seen honor demonstrated in your family?
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Honor Defined in Practical Terms
Children need to know what Godly character looks like in practical terms. We love the character quality of honor, not just because God commands it, but also because it has so much rich meaning for parents and children. It can give direction in many of the frustrating moments we experience in family life. In fact, every form of selfishness has an honor-based solution.
We say honor is…
Treating people as special,
Doing more than what's expected,
And having a good attitude.
Use our honor definition or make up your own. The point is that honor changes people. It changes the way that parents relate to their children, the way children relate to each other, and the way children relate to their parents. We all need it.
You can use the concept of honor in correction or when things are going well. You can use it when you teach your children about money, time, and other resources, and you can teach it when conflict comes around. One of the best ways to teach it is on special occasions when someone wins a contest or earns a certificate. You may show honor by giving that person a fancy place at the table or by decorating his or her bedroom door.
Honor is fun. It's like oil in a machine. It gets work done with less friction and less heat. Every family needs honor. It's great when things are going well and essential when family relationships are strained. You can work on honor whether your kids are preschoolers or teens. It will change the way your family relates
How have you seen honor demonstrated in your family? Click here to tell us about it.
We say honor is…
Treating people as special,
Doing more than what's expected,
And having a good attitude.
Use our honor definition or make up your own. The point is that honor changes people. It changes the way that parents relate to their children, the way children relate to each other, and the way children relate to their parents. We all need it.
You can use the concept of honor in correction or when things are going well. You can use it when you teach your children about money, time, and other resources, and you can teach it when conflict comes around. One of the best ways to teach it is on special occasions when someone wins a contest or earns a certificate. You may show honor by giving that person a fancy place at the table or by decorating his or her bedroom door.
Honor is fun. It's like oil in a machine. It gets work done with less friction and less heat. Every family needs honor. It's great when things are going well and essential when family relationships are strained. You can work on honor whether your kids are preschoolers or teens. It will change the way your family relates
How have you seen honor demonstrated in your family? Click here to tell us about it.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Help Children Change Their Hearts
Too often parents focus only on behavior, getting the right actions down, but they don't address the heart. Jesus criticized the Pharisees, saying that they looked good on the outside but their hearts were still not changed. He said, "First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."
Focusing on behavior change is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children "image management" the ability to appear good, clean, and nice. A change of heart is what children really need though.
Unfortunately, you can't force children to change their hearts. But we can do a lot to motivate them to make the necessary changes. We've identified several tools that, when used properly, address the heart. First, use sorrow instead of anger in the discipline process. Parents who misuse this technique often lay a guilt trip on their children. The key is to be genuine. If you, as a parent, look past your anger for a moment you will see that you truly are sad about what your child has done because you know the long-term consequences of such behavior. Reflect it in a gentle way. It's amazing to see how children will respond.
Another way to influence a child's heart is to use the scriptures. The Bible has an amazing quality, the ability to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Don't use the Bible in a harsh way. Instead reveal what the Bible has to say about being kind or respectful or obedient. There's a lot of wisdom and conviction that comes through the scriptures.
Be sure to talk about the heart during times of correction. "I can see you're angry because I said no, I'd like you to take a break for a bit and settle your heart down and when you're ready, come back and we'll talk about it." It will take work and a child may need some long times to settle down at first, but a change of heart is worth it in the end. Resolve the tension by having a Positive Conclusion together. Talk about what went wrong and why it was wrong. Address heart issues, not just behavior and help children see things from a deeper perspective.
You may think of some other ideas but whatever you do, don't rely on simple behavior modification techniques. They don't go deep enough and often don't address the real issues.
How have you been successful at addressing heart issues in your family?
Focusing on behavior change is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children "image management" the ability to appear good, clean, and nice. A change of heart is what children really need though.
Unfortunately, you can't force children to change their hearts. But we can do a lot to motivate them to make the necessary changes. We've identified several tools that, when used properly, address the heart. First, use sorrow instead of anger in the discipline process. Parents who misuse this technique often lay a guilt trip on their children. The key is to be genuine. If you, as a parent, look past your anger for a moment you will see that you truly are sad about what your child has done because you know the long-term consequences of such behavior. Reflect it in a gentle way. It's amazing to see how children will respond.
Another way to influence a child's heart is to use the scriptures. The Bible has an amazing quality, the ability to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Don't use the Bible in a harsh way. Instead reveal what the Bible has to say about being kind or respectful or obedient. There's a lot of wisdom and conviction that comes through the scriptures.
Be sure to talk about the heart during times of correction. "I can see you're angry because I said no, I'd like you to take a break for a bit and settle your heart down and when you're ready, come back and we'll talk about it." It will take work and a child may need some long times to settle down at first, but a change of heart is worth it in the end. Resolve the tension by having a Positive Conclusion together. Talk about what went wrong and why it was wrong. Address heart issues, not just behavior and help children see things from a deeper perspective.
You may think of some other ideas but whatever you do, don't rely on simple behavior modification techniques. They don't go deep enough and often don't address the real issues.
How have you been successful at addressing heart issues in your family?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Compliance vs Obedience
Some parents say, "I can usually get my children to do what I say eventually." Parents sometimes think that obedience is the same as compliance. When you say to your son, "Please leave the computer and help me bring the groceries in from the car," and he says, "As soon as I get to the next level," that's not obedience.
Now, we don't believe that a child must instantly obey every time. As parents, we want to consider our child's agenda and needs too as we direct the course of family events. However, some children never adjust their schedules to a parent's. They always have to have it their way, in their time, and on their terms.
Parents who allow poor responsiveness may believe that they are loving their children when in fact they’re encouraging selfishness. Cooperation is a two-way street. As a parent you know how to cooperate and sacrifice for your child. Can your child do the same?
The child who can't give up her agenda is selfish and hasn't yet learned what real cooperation is all about. Demandingness always requires me first. The child who is demanding about reaching the next level in a computer game before obeying Mom or Dad, may not be ready for such games. Cooperation means that sometimes we drop what we're doing to help someone else.
If your child has a problem in this area, you might want to focus more on obedience. It's amazing how many benefits are hidden within obedience that will help your children develop the character necessary both now and in the future.
How have you seen teaching obedience to be helpful in your family?
Now, we don't believe that a child must instantly obey every time. As parents, we want to consider our child's agenda and needs too as we direct the course of family events. However, some children never adjust their schedules to a parent's. They always have to have it their way, in their time, and on their terms.
Parents who allow poor responsiveness may believe that they are loving their children when in fact they’re encouraging selfishness. Cooperation is a two-way street. As a parent you know how to cooperate and sacrifice for your child. Can your child do the same?
The child who can't give up her agenda is selfish and hasn't yet learned what real cooperation is all about. Demandingness always requires me first. The child who is demanding about reaching the next level in a computer game before obeying Mom or Dad, may not be ready for such games. Cooperation means that sometimes we drop what we're doing to help someone else.
If your child has a problem in this area, you might want to focus more on obedience. It's amazing how many benefits are hidden within obedience that will help your children develop the character necessary both now and in the future.
How have you seen teaching obedience to be helpful in your family?
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Understanding Obedience
We live in a society where an emphasis on teaching obedience sounds to some like heavy-handed authoritarianism. Parents don't want to be dictators so they sometimes move far away from anything that looks like being controlling. This is unfortunate since God is the one who gave the instructions for children to learn obedience. Hidden within this quality are the principles that will make children successful as they get older.
When children learn to obey they learn to give up their own agenda for someone else. They learn to listen to an instruction and follow through with it. They learn how to be responsible, check back, and complete a task. In short, when children learn obedience, they not only make family life easier but they also develop the character that will make them more valuable in the work place, the community, and the world. In fact, learning to obey parents teaches kids what they need in order to obey God.
We say that obedience is "doing what someone says, right away, without being reminded." Children as young as three years old can memorize this simple definition and understand what it means. Parents sometimes think that obedience is the same as compliance. When a parent says, "I can get my children to obey eventually," that's not obedience. Compliance is only part of obedience. When you say to your son, "It is time to go to bed now," and he says, "As soon as I'm done with this game," that's not obedience; it's an excuse for disobedience.
As parents, it's okay to negotiate and compromise with our children sometimes, but too often children aren't mature enough for this. In fact, they are demanding, unable to give up their agenda for someone else. Cooperation requires that both people give and take. In order to get to that stage, children must first learn how to sacrifice or follow. Once they learn that, true cooperation can take place.
Teach obedience and you will give your children a valuable gift that will be used for the rest of their lives.
How have you seen teaching obedience to be helpful in your family?
When children learn to obey they learn to give up their own agenda for someone else. They learn to listen to an instruction and follow through with it. They learn how to be responsible, check back, and complete a task. In short, when children learn obedience, they not only make family life easier but they also develop the character that will make them more valuable in the work place, the community, and the world. In fact, learning to obey parents teaches kids what they need in order to obey God.
We say that obedience is "doing what someone says, right away, without being reminded." Children as young as three years old can memorize this simple definition and understand what it means. Parents sometimes think that obedience is the same as compliance. When a parent says, "I can get my children to obey eventually," that's not obedience. Compliance is only part of obedience. When you say to your son, "It is time to go to bed now," and he says, "As soon as I'm done with this game," that's not obedience; it's an excuse for disobedience.
As parents, it's okay to negotiate and compromise with our children sometimes, but too often children aren't mature enough for this. In fact, they are demanding, unable to give up their agenda for someone else. Cooperation requires that both people give and take. In order to get to that stage, children must first learn how to sacrifice or follow. Once they learn that, true cooperation can take place.
Teach obedience and you will give your children a valuable gift that will be used for the rest of their lives.
How have you seen teaching obedience to be helpful in your family?
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Strong-Willed Kids
Children who make decisions with intensity tend to be labeled “strong-willed.” At the end of the day, their parents feel as if they’ve been engaged in hand-to-hand combat—and that the child often wins at the parent’s expense! Most parents consider a strong will a negative personality trait because it often creates resistance and frustration in family life. Yet, in reality, it’s the strong-willed kids who are often better equipped to succeed, be creative, and face adversity.
Children with strong wills have the potential to become the next generation of leaders. They have their own ideas and plans. They know what they want. They’re persistent, confident, passionate, and determined to succeed at whatever they choose to do.
Leaders have an agenda, look for ways to incorporate others into their plans, and have a high need for control in life. Balanced with graciousness, leaders become a treasure because they make things happen, create organization out of chaos, and motivate people to action.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to raise a leader. These kids tend to have their own ways of doing things and like to tell other people (including their parents) what to do. A strong will keeps a child moving in a certain direction in spite of obstacles. Often these children need bigger barriers or tighter limits to teach them that those boundaries are firm.
Don’t be discouraged by the effort it takes to teach a strong-willed child which limits not to push. The strong-willed child accomplishes things in life, because the roadblocks that might hold others back are no match for this kid’s determination. Your job is to help him know the difference between obstacles to overcome and limits to live within.
A strong will can be an asset… as long as the heart is in the right place.
Have you developed some tools to teach boundaries to a strong-willed child in your family while still enjoying the child's determination?
Children with strong wills have the potential to become the next generation of leaders. They have their own ideas and plans. They know what they want. They’re persistent, confident, passionate, and determined to succeed at whatever they choose to do.
Leaders have an agenda, look for ways to incorporate others into their plans, and have a high need for control in life. Balanced with graciousness, leaders become a treasure because they make things happen, create organization out of chaos, and motivate people to action.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to raise a leader. These kids tend to have their own ways of doing things and like to tell other people (including their parents) what to do. A strong will keeps a child moving in a certain direction in spite of obstacles. Often these children need bigger barriers or tighter limits to teach them that those boundaries are firm.
Don’t be discouraged by the effort it takes to teach a strong-willed child which limits not to push. The strong-willed child accomplishes things in life, because the roadblocks that might hold others back are no match for this kid’s determination. Your job is to help him know the difference between obstacles to overcome and limits to live within.
A strong will can be an asset… as long as the heart is in the right place.
Have you developed some tools to teach boundaries to a strong-willed child in your family while still enjoying the child's determination?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Developing Closeness
Parents must maintain a balance as they work with their kids. Firmness, confrontation, and correction in a child’s life are tools that God uses to address heart issues. You won’t get very far, however, by simply telling your children the right thing to do. Remember that a child can only take as much pressure as the relationship can withstand.
Those who apply force without relationship end up with angry and rebellious kids. Jesus was a great example of leaving behind the agenda to care for people and connect with their hearts. He rebuked Martha for her busyness and affirmed Mary for just sitting with him (Luke 10:38–42).
Many a tired parent asks, “Why do I want closeness with my child anyway?” Distance from children can even seem welcome sometimes. Some parents are frustrated with their role and eager for relief. One mom even believed distance was healthy said, “Aren’t teens supposed to hate their parents to prepare them for the upcoming separation and independence they need?”
This kind of attitude hinders a parent’s effectiveness. Teenagers may reject closeness with parents sometimes, but adolescence is when they need the relationship the most. New values, decisions, and difficult choices require wisdom that the teen doesn’t have yet. Young people need insight and guidance that parents can give them.
Emotionally connecting with your children isn’t just so you can all feel good. Connecting with your son or daughter emotionally softens hearts and prepares the way for much of the hard work of parenting, making it more effective and even enjoyable.
What are some ways you've been able to teach develop closeness in your family?
Those who apply force without relationship end up with angry and rebellious kids. Jesus was a great example of leaving behind the agenda to care for people and connect with their hearts. He rebuked Martha for her busyness and affirmed Mary for just sitting with him (Luke 10:38–42).
Many a tired parent asks, “Why do I want closeness with my child anyway?” Distance from children can even seem welcome sometimes. Some parents are frustrated with their role and eager for relief. One mom even believed distance was healthy said, “Aren’t teens supposed to hate their parents to prepare them for the upcoming separation and independence they need?”
This kind of attitude hinders a parent’s effectiveness. Teenagers may reject closeness with parents sometimes, but adolescence is when they need the relationship the most. New values, decisions, and difficult choices require wisdom that the teen doesn’t have yet. Young people need insight and guidance that parents can give them.
Emotionally connecting with your children isn’t just so you can all feel good. Connecting with your son or daughter emotionally softens hearts and prepares the way for much of the hard work of parenting, making it more effective and even enjoyable.
What are some ways you've been able to teach develop closeness in your family?
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